About how they learn to take, live and cope with loss.

Evgenia Starchenko, a year and a half ago she died Nick's daughter (4 years 8 months)

Nick died a year and a half ago All this time I live alone. After the funeral, I also went home alone. The sister offered to go to them, but I said that I would go home, and no one insisted.

About what happened

On January 1, 2017, Nicky rose high temperature. I arrived "ambulance", knocked down the temperature and left. The daughter complained about. The next day, she did not eat anything, although the temperature was normal.

Her unexpectedly began to tear. I again called "ambulance", we were taken to the hospital. On the night of January 2, January 3, an attack of epilepsy happened, the daughter was placed in an artificial one. Doctors did not understand what was happening. As a result - the swelling of the brain. And we were just sent home.

I strangely worried about it. The daughter died on January 9, a week later I sat in the theater, in two - flew to Germany for ten days to work for the exhibition by the translator. From there flew to an ex-husband. We broke up to my daughter's death. When she fell into the hospital, he supported me and was near. Her death briefly united us briefly, and then disconnected again.

About acceptance

It seems to me that I still pass some stages of adoption, all this resembles a carousel with a spiral effect. All emotions are modified, some increase, some become weaker, but everything goes to the helix.

Sometimes I sit at work, I get dramatically, I buys, sobbing in the toilet and return. I am always "incomprehensible." I can laugh, I can even joke on the theme of death, but I can not say that I found some kind of recipe. Just try not to think. In general, nothing. Why breathe, why cut bread. Emptiness in the head.

On the reaction of people

Most often I was advised to "get pregnant again." But the child can not be replaced. There are few people who I can call and talk about nickname. My relatives avoid talking about her, the sister begins to immediately nervous. Many people I thought close, just fell off. Stop calling, disappeared.

On proper support

There were no such words that facilitate my existence, but I am very grateful to people who were sincere with me at the time. One of my girlfriend, who has three children, came up and said: "Zhen, sorry, but I am very glad that these are not my children." It was much more clear for me than trying to explain how this can happen.

One of my friend with whom we have congratulations on each other only with the birthday, when I learned about what happened, I began to send simple messages to me: "Are you a breakfast breakfast today?", "Go go, only a hat is not cold today." It was very supported.

Another friend threw the message "The exhibition then, waiting for you to so much." I, as on the machine, went there. She superseded man, I do not understand at all, as she found time. After exhibitions, theaters and performances, we also drank tea and just spoke about everything

What should not speak

Nothing needs to talk. Just ask "What are you doing? At home? Everything, I'm going. " Be around, and this is enough. Every time I was grateful when someone came just drinking coffee. Please do not ask this terrible question "How are you?". I still do not know how to answer him

I fell into a stupor: "You know, everything is fine, only I have no more nickname." The question "How do you feel?" same. And do not speak "if that, call". Most likely, a person who is experiencing a strong grief will not call. I had fun of the phrases "only nonsense do not do."

Adults often do not know that they feel children who have lost loved ones, and even more so many of them have no idea how to help them. We will try to talk about the peculiarities of children's grief and the most simple ways of help.

Most often adults do not know how to explain to the child about death and how to console it. Not always, looking at the baby, you can understand what he feels and how hard is experiencing a loss. Some children can cry, some - express emotions with the help of words, some change behavior and psychological state. The emotions of the child can change in minutes: he just played careless to the toys, as already sits all in tears. Curiously, but children cannot be constantly in sorrow or longing in the neighbor, so their experience of grief is very uneven, it alternates with sharp splashes of bright emotions and relative tranquility.

After the child learned about death, an adult is important to surround it with warmth and care. A little boy or girl should feel: despite the fact that Mom died, she has a dad who will take care of her. Try to show what you love the child and that he should not be ashamed of his tears. Be prepared for what you have to answer a number of too frank issues regarding death that may seem in the nontactual and even enter into a stupor. Keep in mind that this interest does not mean that the child is indifferent or anyway. You will need to get together and hold a honest and frank conversation.

If the child has become a naughty, scattered or aggressive, if you have noticed some oddities behind him, you will need to have patience and understanding. Remember that, facing death, the child himself begins to die. In this case, you will have to hear what it is concrete, and try to calm him. If the child will begin to disturb psychosomatic or neurotic symptoms, such as physical overwork, breaking sleep or appetite, headaches or increased excitability, then the best option will appeal for help from a psychologist.

Often, a child may experience a sense of guilt, as the death of a parent, in their opinion, became an embodiment of their phrase abandoned in a quarrel: "I want that I had another mom!" Also, the loss of an expensive person, some children perceive as a punishment: for not eating a plate of porridge and behaved badly last week. Sometimes, children can feel guilty only because they cannot explain themselves that they feel and whether they have any emotions at all. Do not forget as often as possible asking a child about their thoughts and condition. Do it not only in the first days after the funeral, but also months later.

Carefully follow the behavior of the child. It is possible that he may have a non-normal reaction on the mountain, but pathological. The sign of pathology is the duration of symptoms. For example, the child does not shoot any emotions too long or, on the contrary, crying too long. It should also be alerted if the child has sharply fell academic performance if he refuses to go to the lessons. The reason for the campaign to the psychologist should be sharp outbreaks of anger, panic or fear, the development of phobias. You need to contact a specialist if the child does not want or cannot talk about the dead. Loss of interest to the present, everyday, refusal to communicate with loved ones and friends should also alert adults.

Of course, on how much the child will experience a loss, primarily affects the degree of kinship. The worst for the child is the loss of parents and native brothers and sisters. At such moments, the child feels loneliness, deep depression and awareness of what he was thrown. Often this children's injury imposes a serious imprint on the further life of a person, for example, to choose a profession or personal development. If a relative is dying, with whom the child was in close relationship, this loss can be perceived as a loss of a friend, a partner in games or simply as a sample of a good person who wanted to be equal.

The circumstances of death play an important role. The hardest loss is an unexpected, sudden loss. The cause of death may be an accident, suicide, murder. Especially hard, if the child himself witnessed what happened. How difficult will it be to cope with such a situation, to a large extent depends on age, psychological development, character, and on whether the child was familiar with death before.

How are the children of different ages experiencing grief?

As mentioned earlier, the perception of the death of a close man depends largely on the age of the child. How is the grief expressed after the death of parents from kids, preschoolers and teenagers?

Children up to two years

During this period, the child, of course, is not aware of the loss of mom, dad or both parents. However, he notes that those who care about him changed in the emotional plan. Feeling it, the child can become irritable, shrieking, can refuse nutrition. Possible urination and intestinal disorder.

Child in two years

The child knows that if he does not see his parents, he can call them - and they will come. In two years, the baby still can not understand what death is, so he continues to look for mom or dad for a long time. To support such a child, constant care is needed not only in emotional (love, heat), but also in physiological terms (proper nutrition, sleep).

Children in three to five years

Children of this age need to try to very gently explain that mom or dad died and they will not be able to return anymore. It is likely that the child may have a fear of darkness, the child can change the mood dramatically, cry, experience anger or longing. It is possible that the baby will begin to complain about the abdominal pain, headaches. You can also notice the skin rashes or return to the habit of sucking a finger. During this period, it will be useful to remember bright moments carried out with the dead, as well as maintain the traditions established by him. If the child has been walking every weekend with the Pope in the park - you should do it, if in the winter they definitely rode skiing - do not change this tradition.

Children in six to eight years

At this age, children are often, and even more so at school, ask each other about parents. You need to prepare a child for similar issues. Advise him to answer just: "My mom died." Explain to the child that he is not obliged to tell the details of death or speak to unauthorized people about personal things for him. Some children during this period can behave not as their classmates: to be more emotional and even disappear into teachers.

Children in nine-twelve years

At this age, the child is already committed to independence. Only the death of loved ones does not unleash his hands, but on the contrary, can impose a sense of helplessness. The experiencies of the child can manifest itself in aggression against adults or senior, fights, bad studies. In addition, in children at this age, practical questions may arise: "Who will deliver to the training?", "Who will give pocket money?" During this period, children can rethink their role in the family. For example, a boy who lost his father may want to take his place. Adults should notice it and try to create all the conditions for the boy to have free time for games to be engaged in the sections and communicated with the guys of his age - in general, in order for the child to have childhood. Adults who care about the child must try to explain to him that he enjoy life and receive pleasure from her is good. And mom or dad will only be glad if their child is happy.

Teens

Perhaps the teenage period is the most difficult for the child. And if at this time the death of a loved one comes, it can be fraught with poor consequences. In this case, the child can try to find help outside the house, among the new, not the best friends who can offer him to forget with the help of narcotic drugs or alcohol. Teens do not want to show their feelings, so some of them stubbornly continue to keep silence for a long time, but death is experiencing death so much that they have a desire to commit suicide. During this period, it is important to show the child that you love him, whatever he was that with any scenario he can count on you and your support.

No matter how many years there was no boy or a girl, it is important to remember what exactly from adults, from their behavior, patience, attention and love, depends on how the child will adapt to life without a loved one.

With information about the funeral bureau and ritual agents, we suggest familiarizing yourself in the Funeral Bureau section of our reference book.

When there is a sudden death in the family, it's always grief. And in the situation with children, death is also something that is unnatural. Against the laws of life itself, where children are our continuation, from the point of view of history. And their death becomes the death of part of us and our future, turning the time to reverse ...

This is why it is difficult to prepare and with what is unbearable painfully, and at first it is impossible to accept, even if the child is seriously ill from birth, and doctors initially did not give favorable predictions. Parents believe in a miracle of healing to the latter and do everything possible, and sometimes impossible.

Useful on this topic: Survive grief: grief psychotherapy (approx.)

Often the theme of the child's death is so unsafe and painful, what they prefer not to speak about it. In families of families, these events are silent, avoids, become forbidden, tabulated. They hang a strong, frightening, bottomless, negative-charged, tense abyss.

This is due to the presence of very strong deep negative experiences: here are different types of guilt, including " guilt survivors», shame, despair, I. helplessness, I. fear of condemnation A close environment and society, which, often not knowing the situation, seeks to blame the "bad" parents - "not coped", "not repurchased."

it's the same rejectionSince often around the combustible families is formed by a vacuum due to the fact that others themselves are very frightened by their senses on death or simply do not know what to say, how to console, and for many it is unbearable to be near grief and strong feelings. For a combustible family, it looks like "everyone turned away" for an incomprehensible reason, "Vacuum was formed," through which he could not break through.

There are statistics that many families after the loss of a child, even if there are other children and behind the shoulders are a lot of happy together years, disintegrate. Of the known cases, as an example, you can bring the family of famous singers Albano and Romine Power. Their daughter did not die, but was abducted. And this led to the separation of a star duet.

In this situation, we are talking about the loss of the child and the loss of loss. Often, this is because parents get closed in themselves, do not share with each other with their experiences, do not know how to support a partner or how to assist loved ones. Mount everyone lives alone and because more, both feel incomprehensible, the walls grow between them, the secondary bitterness and insults are accumulated.


At the same time, both may additionally hover about each other, competing, whose grief is larger, finding out "Who is to blame" or not know how to forgive the strength to forgive, for example, if there was an accident that occurred in the presence or by the lack of ignorance From parents.

It happens that the view of the partner itself, acts as a reminder of the tragedy, as a trigger, launching suffering. This is how a vicious circle is formed, from which without special help often do not get out.

There are also such couples who live this tragedy together, get closer, coarse, stronger. It gives hope and us, those who work with grief. But even for these couple supporting each other, it is a very difficult test.

The process of the grief in the death of children more often tends to the so-called jam. When the standing stages of residence of loss cease to replace each other naturally, shooting on one of them.


So, years can persist in an inviolable form of a room and a child's thing. There is a denying the very fact of death. The child is "waiting" or do not let go of him. The grinding process as such in this case does not even begin.

Often it happens if the child is kidnapped, or his body does not find or find, but in a very modified form as a result of a fire, falling, collapsing of a building or accident, and parents are not evident. As if there is no other point of reference, the points of non-return from which the adoption of the happening and accommodation of the tragedy begins. There are endlessly filled with pain Waiting and the unconscious postponing of the meeting with even greater pain in fear do not survive it.

Often, when the family was taken into the manifestation of emotions and their suppression, when the protective mechanisms of denial, displacement and rationalization are operating, relatives, so as not to deal with their own experiences and fear of death or experiences killed by the grief of parents, they begin to give advice to the mother who lost the child from the category : "Do not cry!", "Live for the sake of a husband", or other children, if they are, "another give birth to what your years!", "In the time of war, the children were lost and nothing, - no one died," can be given stories The older generation "worthy of experienced" children's death, "God gave, God took. Communion! ".

Also worse only the direct charges "did not follow!", "How could you?!", "How is it wearing such light? Kill your own child! " That is, in fact ignore, do not understandand depreciate Her feelings. And in the latter case also blame in what happened.

And at least these words can stand the most good intentions "to help your beloved person to quickly forget what happened, get rid of pain, help return to normal life and cope", but in this for flavored, alas, there is no support, nor assistance, nor adoption, Neither love itself.

Moreover, in some cases, such comments may worsen the situation: lead to a protracted depression, suicidal thoughts and additional trauma. Therefore, it is very important to think about the consequences of the said, carefully choose the words of support, and if it is not clear what to talk and how to behave, it is better to be silent and not to do anything. Just be near.

Either honestly confess in your feelings and thoughts, and tell you what you want to help, but do not know how that you are unbearable to see their experiences that you are very afraid of death or feel helpless before what happened. Your sincerity will be better than any tips. Remember, the main thing is not harmful.

It is impossible to prohibit feel. Equally how to control the process of accommodation grief. In addition, by virtue of personal psychological and physiological characteristics, we will differ in different ways and duration to feel, live and express our emotions.

Any mountain loss takes time and forces to restore, or rather, even what is called "learn to live without." The grief is stronger, the harder and longer this recovery process flows.

How to help you survive the death of a child?

To understand how to help relive the grief, it is important to know that it is necessary for a person who is experiencing a loss.

For flavored important:

  • do not close in the mountain;
  • to have to contact;
  • be able to spoke and be heard;
  • understand what happens to them;
  • get the right to your grief and recognition of your feelings;
  • express experiences and pain, at a minimum, call and speak them;
  • get support, consolation and calm adoption,
  • find new meanings to live

To help close to survive grief, it is important:

1. To be near.

It is accessible. Spend time together. Write. Call. Ask what you can do. Say you are near. What you can count on you. What do you want to help and be together. At the same time, it is not necessary to force yourself to spend together all 24 hours. You can help in small actions. Especially at first and when they ask. It is important not to leave for a long time, be near physically and emotionally especially in significant moments (communication with the morgue, funeral, 9 days) and remember the first anniversary.

2. Talk about what happened. Memories are healing.

Ask in detail and in detail what happened when, where that a person felt that she was doing, who was still there, as people who said, who said or did what he did / she in response. It is important not to evaluate, not compare, not comment, but to ask and listen.

It is believed that multiple repetition of the story about what happened is helps to experience the grief and severe memories, the same principle applies to work with post-traumatic stress disorder arising from people who have been strong, long or repeating psychotrauming impacts: participants in hostilities survived after terrorist attacks , catastrophe or natural disasters.

Important! Ask and talk about what happened under one indispensable condition: if the child who lost his child wants to talk about it.

3. Help express pain.

It is important to understand what is happening with flamming that he feels. What exactly he lost with the loss of this child, what hopes, expectations, dreams, opportunities, plans, a picture of the future, ideas about yourself. It is important to call all emotions, talk fears: fear of death, the fear of loneliness, the fear of the future, the fear of blame itself in what happened, etc.

If a person is difficult to call his emotions, it is often in families where they are not accepted to express them, you can ask to describe where in the body he / she feels his pain or grief, which they are in size, density, temperature, position, mobility, color, temperature, position, mobility, color .

In some, the images "ready to explode a dark energy clot exploded," a stone slab, giving the chest and preventing breathing "," suction funnel in the middle of the chest "," burning heart fire ". If it is difficult to express in words, you can ask to draw.

No matter how inappropriate, your request sometimes should be asked to do it and even insisted it, since any pronounced emotion, named by a word, feeling, and image translates the experience from the inside, helps awareness and eventually accommodation and getting rid of it, produces it from the body . Let not immediately and not completely, but it will bring a little relief.

4. Soothe and comfort.

If you do not know what to do, ask what you can do to console the flamble. Strong stress often leads to the regression of who is experiencing it. And it means that the consolation methods that we helped when we were small.

For someone useful can just sit next to silence. Someone needs to embrace it and swam together. Sometimes soothing tactile touch - strokes on the back or head. Sometimes quiet melodic calm taucopling words of consolation.

During the stress, adrenaline is distinguished, which, with a certain duration of exposure, leads to a spasm of peripheral vessels, and a person may seem to see that he froze and his illuminated, plus the impact of psychological stress, which adds a feeling of inner trembling. In this case, temporary relief will bring a cup of hot tea and plaid.

5. Being sincere when you try to help the flamble.

So, words that would help in many other situations, in case of grief for a deceased child do not work. Having said, for example, "I understand you," you can unexpectedly run into a strong protest, resistance and even rage. "How can you understand me if your child is alive? !! If you do not know what is your baby's death?! "

So more appropriate to say, as is: "I even imagine the wrong pain that you are now worried." "No grief is stronger than the Mother of Mother who lost the child." I repeat if you do not know how to say, it is better not to say anything.

6. Be careful.

It is important to see in time if dangerous symptoms appear and convince refer to the specialists for drug therapy or psychological help.

Special attention should be paid:

  • suicidal thoughts and actions when a person says he does not want to live or even takes attempts to commit to life;
  • depression, when for a short time there is a sharp weight loss (more than 5 kg in a week or two), a dream is disturbed - a person cannot fall asleep, and falling often wakes up; The man is completely renounced from reality, lost, immersed in his thoughts, does not respond to what is happening, sits all the time swinging from side to side, in the face there are continuously tears flow or, on the contrary, the face does not express anything, the look is fixed inside or in one point (when This state lasts for days);
  • in behavior or sensations, inadequate appears: hysterical laughter, conversations about the child, as alive, hallucinations, obsessive thoughts or underlined calm indifference, as if nothing happened;
  • physical symptoms arise, such as loss of consciousness, sharp abdominal pains or sharp pains for the sternum, there may be somatization of spiritual pain and the emergence of a heart attack.
However, it is worth knowing that in 90% of cases after the death of a child, parents may experience problems with a dream, with 50% visual and auditory pseudogalucinations, in 50% of the nearest relatives may appear symptoms of a deceased person.

So, a 5-year-old girl present at the death of a 2-year-old brother, which occurred from suffocation, when he fed a little detail of the designer, stopped eating hard food. Any lump caused her attack of a suffocation, accompanied by urges to vomit.

Nevertheless, if something bothers you in a state of flavored, it is better to consult with a specialist. Almost in all cases I encountered in my practice, the first time, especially the first days after what happened, it was necessary to use different strength and doses of sedative drugs, which, in some cases, were used for a month and more after the funeral. It is necessary that the medicine prescribes the doctor, since the nuances in the diagrams and dosages are possible.

For close and comforting important:

  • Silent if you do not know what to say.
  • Be sincere and honest. Talking what you really think and feel, do not pretend and do not diminish.
  • Listen to yourself. Do not do what you do not want.
  • Repeat on your opinion. Do not do what "accepted", if you do not share it or feel that it is inappropriate.
  • Avoid generally accepted consolation phrases and tips: "Take yourself in hand," "stop to make yourself", "Time heals", "try to forget", "live by the future", "be strong", "you need to live on", "I", " "So wanted the Lord."

What should not do or "20 can not":

1. Do not interrupt;

2. Do not avoid, but do not force yourself;

3. Do not translate the conversation;

4. Do not advise;

5. Do not prohibit feel and talk about pain;

6. Do not hold back your experiences;

7. Do not be afraid;

8. Do not condemn;

9. Do not deceive;

10. Do not devalue;

11. Do not intervene;

13. Do not say that you understand;

14. Do not try to cheer;

15. Do not look for excuses;

16. Do not blame;

17. Do not save;

18. Do not fencing reality and pain;

19. Do not organize the funeral instead;

20. Do not take the organization of life.

What is worth trying or "20 ways to help":

1. Silence (if you do not know what to say);

2. Listen to the flavored;

3. Listen to your heart;

4. Be near;

5. Give talk;

6. Help to express experiences;

7. Hear;

8. Understand;

9. Calm;

10. Be honest;

11. Sympathize;

12. Ask;

13. Speak;

14. Remember;

15. Do simple things together;

16. Hugged;

17. Sit next to;

18. Take care of;

19. Find the power to endure the pain and tears of another;

20. Love.

Therapy is shown in situations of pathological grief when a jam on one of the stages of the grief process, or complex grief, for example, when there are multiple losses - a spouse and a child died in the accident, or in person's experience there is a non-planned close relative, the grief in which was banned . For example, due to the fact that the deceased committed suicide, it was not customary to talk about it in a believer family, as it is impossible to officially mourn the loss and acceptable way to honor the memory, and the death of his own child actualized and the past did not experience the sorrow.

* The article used data from the book Jorge Bukuka

The death of a loved one is always hard. But when the child dies is a terrible loss for his parents. It was at work with such losses, psychologists of the St. Petersburg Public Organization of Social Assistance "Family Information Center" were concentrated. The loss of a child can be a deep injury for all life for both parents - in those who trample themselves in this injury, in despair, they crumble or distort relationships both inside the family and communication with the external society. The psychologist of the Center Hope Stepanova tells how experts of the "Family Information Center" help parents and other family members experience the death of a child and find new hopes.

"Family Information Center" helps womensuffered perinatal loss and members of their families, families who lost the child as well at the birth of a premature child or baby with disabilities.

- Who is heavier experiencing loss - the family who lost the baby, or the family who lost the child older?

- If we say that more adult child lose harder than the newborn, then I agree, and no. Each family has its own characteristics. But yes, the social and psychological ties of the parents are formed more and more as the child grows, it is both mugs, kindergartens, friends, relatives ... All these people and communities come into contact with the child, family. These parents thus arose more memories, hopes. And even after the appearance in the family of another Röbenka, the memories of the lost among their parents remain, but this is natural. Another question is if the parents are underwent not overwrought this loss, and so maybe for various reasons. For example, one of the parents was indirectly to blame for the fact that the child died in an accident.

- It turns out that in the experiences of people prevailing egoism: "I worry because there were no expectations," My Mountain "and so on. But then there remains very little space to the left children themselves ...

- But most often happens when the loss of any close man is lost, not necessarily the child. We are not worried about it more often, but about what we are left without it and now we need to rebuild your world. We are planning about yourself, our unrealized dreams, plans, expectations ....

- Does many parents who have lost their children suffer from a sense of guilt? And how do you work with people if this wine is real?

- all suffer. And how to work is a very difficult question. When a young woman in the eighth month of pregnancy jumps with a parachute and loses a child, with her, of course, it is very difficult to work - she understands that it is to blame that the loss provoked her actions. But here you need to recognize the fact - yes, the act was immense. Perhaps the woman was not very ready for motherhood, in her picture of the world, it was not assumed at all that children could die. Or the family was preparing for the birth of a child, made everything you need and can be, and the feeling of guilt is still present. How to work? Depending on the situation. To say that the feeling of guilt goes quickly and forever, it is impossible. Sometimes it takes a lot of time.

- The funeral of the past child - in what kind of key you discuss this problem with customers? Especially when it comes to newborn babies.

- Often, moms sometimes do not even want to look at their dead newborn children, do not want to take them to bury them. Until a certain time, there was such a practice from doctors - to say: "Why do you watch?" But if a woman did not harbor his child, all sorts of terrible paintings are built in her future. For example, a woman came about the grandchildren (she has a rather young grandmother), but it turned out that her child died in her first marriage, but she did not look at him, did not take it, and then she began to imagine his appearance, then I began to search on the Internet information about what happens to the bodies of such babies - someone says that they are used as biomaterial, someone - that they are dumped into a common pit and so on. And she says: "I began to imagine everything. And how can I live with it now? " Families come to me who have already decided, the woman came out of the maternity hospital and now she is looking for confirmation of what she did right away, refusing to look at the child and bury him. But the believers have a question, it is necessary or not to bury the child, it does not get up at all. Therefore, it is important that psychologists working with such families that have a single approach and understood the desire and importance of this stage. In Germany, if the family initially does not want to look at the child and bury him, she gives some time to understand his desires and actions for which the family can change its decision. It would be nice if we adopted their practice.

- If other children in the family already have, do you also work with them?

- Yes. We must work with children. After all, children understand what is happening. If their parents do not talk about what happened, they have neurosis, fears, and sometimes not related to direct with death. And parents often do not report children about the death of Sibling. Explain like this: "Why?" Especially if the newborn baby dies - invent some story or generally impose a ban on this topic. At the same time, the child sees that everyone is crying that mom and dad is not up to him, he can send it to her grandfather and grandfather. The child feels allocated from the family, in a kind of insulation zone. And he has some kind of fantasies, with whom he follows himself to cope, the fantasy of the child is sometimes terrible reality. So I believe that the child must definitely tell about the death of his brother or sisters, but to find the right time and think about what words to say.

"But after all, the child himself can sharpen the death of brother or sisters."

- Sure. Again, especially if there is already some story of their communication. And the main thing: in any case, the child due to such events in the family can also fall into depression. It is believed that if the child jumps and jumps, then he is fun and good. But he can delay the attention of his parents in such a way that they switched and it has become fun, and the child thus gets "former" parents, such as they were before losing.

- How to behave other near those who experience the loss of the child? What can not say, and what can I say and need?

- Rather, I can say that it is impossible. You can not speak immediately after it happened: "You still have children." After all, parents have not overlooked, did not overcome. You can not offer to go to work, forget, stop crying - that is, it is impossible to offer any blocking of emotions. Especially, it is impossible to say: "I'm tired of what you cry." It is impossible to blame, even if the objectively wine of the parents in the death of the child is. It is impossible to depreciate the loss: "The pregnancy was not on time", "no matter what is done, everything is for the better" and the like ... parents themselves have enough feelings of guilt, it is necessary to simply support them. In general, you can touch these topics only when the parents themselves want to talk about it. What do you need to do? Give the opportunity to cry as much as necessary. But at the same time to look, the person is closed in himself or not. If comes from society, this is a disturbing sign. In this case, you need to call, come, not to leave your attention. Talking and most importantly - to listen, holding yourself from advice and comparison: it is impossible to say that someone is much worse, this is also depreciation.

- And if a person abruptly refuses to communicate?

"If a person lives alone, then you still need to call, just to say:" I'm here, you can call me anytime. " You can write SMS, write messages on the Internet, in Skype. Today there is a lot of opportunities to know a person that he is not alone.

- Woman needs to give crying. And man?

- Men are crying too. And great when a man can afford it. Men I suggest, if there is an opportunity, take a shared vacation - in order to be with myself, with my wife. Some families leave - but not for the sake of entertainment, but in order to jump out of the usual and traumatic space. The man is important to know what he can help the spouse, how to answer the questions around others, for example: "Yes, we lost a child, but now I don't want to talk about it." But this does not mean that he is not experiencing and man does not need time to stay losses.

- Do people come to you more than years after loss?

- I must say that right immediately, that is, in the acute state of grief at all come rarely. But it happens so that they come and after a very long time. Sometimes they come with other questions relating to family relationships, and when I begin to ask about the past of the family, it turns out that there was a loss of a child. And here, if a person is ready to talk about it, either this is a living story, and he tells the same way as I can tell my story, either it is strong feelings, emotions, re-worried grief, people say: "We did not tell anyone about this "

- Older people who once experienced losses can somehow support young with the same problem?

- Sure. An elderly person can say: "Look at me, I am 75 years old. It's hard for you now, it is impossible to forget, but you can survive. " Now I will say a phrase that many can shock in this context: one way or another, any experiences enrich people. Suffering also make our picture of the world richer. And here the elderly people can show it on their examples. But when the only grandson or granddaughter dies, grandmothers and grandparents are no less strong than the parents of the child. It is also connected with their unfulfilled expectations, they think that other grandchildren can not wait.

- Maybe in general one of the main problems is that we are too much more from each other?

- Yes. And when our expectations and our fantasies do not come true, it becomes a catastrophe for us. There are people who are ready to quickly rebuild, and there are people who are not ready. Of course, in a crisis situation, any discrepancies are exacerbated.

"There is an old saying:" God gave - God took. " In essence, this is a summary of the fragment from the Biblical Book of Job. How do you think, before, did people relate to the deaths of their children?

- I think so. There was more hope for God and understanding that a person is not able to dispose of his life and death fully. And I also have to speak to customers that each of us has its own time.

- The absence of such an understanding does not cause hyperatism?

- I constantly talk about it at seminars and webinars - not only dedicated to loss, but also in general problems associated with children. Still, parents need to be easier in certain matters. Sorry, but in the 50s and 60s, the child often had a single enameled pot. And now reason: "Here, the child does not go to a shiny pot, let's buy him red." And my mother is inspired that if her child is not going to a pot in a year and a half, then she is a bad mother. And there is another moment: before, the women were given birth how many children? How much god gave. And now? Most are one or two. Moreover, the social and economic conditions used to be and much worse. Therefore, I often say that it is not necessary to neurotize the parents - they also have a life besides a child. For a child, this is a catastrophe when the life of his parents focuses only on it. The parents of children with the peculiarities of development are more susceptible to this. I remember one family in which the youngest child had a very heavy symptomatomy - lying, with a delay in mental development. He lived to 10 years and at this age he could only lie down and ride - no more. But his dad is a doctor, mother - teacher, both worked and work, they did not stop their lives, but did not give the child to the boarding school. Baby lived with them. What did they do? They secured the space in which he was, for example, made him a sleeping place almost on the floor - so that he did not fall and did not hit.

- And this couple did not have a feeling of guilt due to the fact that they may have to do more to the child, and then would it be at least a slightly higher level of development?

- You know, I think that such thoughts may arise from any parent - it does not matter, he has a healthy child or a patient, he is alive or died. There is always a feeling that you have undermined something, I was not able to have time, I looked ... But this couple still tried to give my child a lot - continued to engage in his rehabilitation even when experts told them that there would be no progress. Parents answered: "But he is alive, then we will do."

- You are also working with families in which there are children with disabilities. Or can you contact a family that is still afraid that child or will be born with developmental impairment, or will not survive?

— Our project provides that we grab the family when, at the stage of pregnancy, doctors detect that a child may have some pathology. It is very important to give a woman to understand that she is not God, and Mom, and makes the maximum of what can. If during this period the whole family is drawn, it is very important to help everyone decide that each of them can do in this situation. When the family comes out of the state of disorientation and proceeds to real actions, it gives people the opportunity to see these actions themselves, and their results, which ultimately gives hope. After all, there is such a problem: often, if a woman gives birth to a child with those or other development violations, it is soldered from the Socium: "No one will understand me." She has a fear of condemnation - and indeed, not everyone surrounding understand what is happening. And then our task is to restore its connection with society. How to form social ties in this case? To introduce a family with other families who have similar problems. Families can share real experiences, addresses of medical institutions, organizations whose work has the specifics of working with those or other violations. In addition, our society as a whole is still changing - and many families with disabled people receive moral support from the most ordinary people, their neighbors, for example.

According to people from a close environment Andrei Razin,producer "Laskovaya May" after the sudden death of the Son is in a serious psychological state. Recall that the tragedy in the family of Alexander Razin reported in the social network of singer Natalia Grozovskaya.

It is difficult to imagine the feelings of the Father who lost the 16-year-old son. However, the Sr., unlike many comrades in misfortune, did not interrupt communication with the outside world. He deserves the blow of fate. In particular, continues to communicate with the press, thanks to which the tragedy did not cover ridiculous rumors, as it often happens. For example, on its official page in Instagram, Razin published a photo Alexander and shared his feelings that are now experiencing.

When a sudden death comes to the family, it's always grief. However, the loss of his own child is, perhaps the worst thing that can happen in a person's life. This loss is truly intense. The death of children is unnatural. After all, children are our continuation, so their death becomes the death of part of us. She deprives the parents of the future, as if turning the time to reverse.

It happens that the child leaves life after severe and long illness. But even in this case, parents often turn out to be not ready for such a terrible outcome. Hope for wonderful healing lives in them to the last breath of his beloved child, and after his death, they tirelessly ask themselves the question - whether they made all of them dependent in order to save their child.

It is impossible to prohibit feel. Accommodation grief requires a lot of time and forces to restore, and it is impossible to control this process. The grief is stronger, the harder and longer this recovery process flows. To help people who survived the child's loss, edition websitehe appealed to psychologists.

Psychotherapist, Director of the Consulting Company "Path to Istoka" Igor Luzini am convinced: as well as other people who hit the tragedy, Andrei hesitated the situation of grief needs to live. "Literally - to burn. Allow the grief to go out, do not get closed, cry," said the expert. - The second, very important moment is a good environment, support for loved ones. It is very important that Andrei supported - friends, and friends, and his son. "

There must also be enough sleep. "When the stress levels are shrinking, the protective mechanisms work well in a dream. At the first opportunity, it is best to sleep," advises Igor Luzi.n.

Believers find calm in prayer. "At the level of the soul, we do not die. In terms of the spiritual soul, the son was called to another space, where its further growth and further lessons will occur. There will be no physical incarnation of this body, and it is painful and hard. But the process of life is in the format of the eternal cycle. . The believer in this situation will very help prayer, either meditation. Very important spiritual help. Well, if surrounded by Andrei there is a respected confessor, a psychologist, psychotherapist. Such a person is possible with his presence, tranquility, the Council will give support that is now very important, " - believes a specialist.

underwater rocks

Often the theme of the child's death is so unsafe and painful, what they prefer not to speak about it. As a result, a vacuum is formed around the mournful parents, which gives them a reason to think that everyone turned away from them for an incomprehensible reason.

It happens that couples who lost the child live their grief together. As a result of the common tragedy, their relationships are harvested, and the spouses are becoming stronger, closer, coarse. But even for fully supporting each other couples, such loss is a very difficult test.

It happens that the "orphaned" parents do not share with each other with their experiences, closed in themselves. They are in confusion - do not know how to support a partner, nor how to adopt the help of loved ones. Everyone lives his grief alone. As a result, a wall of misunderstanding grows between the spouses, and the resentment multiplies and accumulates like a snowball.

Husband and wife seem to be frozen from each other, "barns", which additionally "wounded", but these new mental wounds are not distracted from spiritual pain. Unhappy parents are like compete with each other, finding out whose grief "more". This is especially brightly manifested if an accident occurred in the presence or one of the spouses. And then only the view of the partner, as if a red rag for a bull, becomes an irritant and a constant reminder of the tragedy. And then the spouses, instead of uniting and help each other, on the contrary, begin to blame each other in what happened. As a result, a vicious circle is formed, it is almost impossible to get out of which without the help of a specialist.

It is important to understand that this is also one of the ways to experience the consequences of the tragedy. In anger, blame each other - the natural stage of accommodation grief. It is necessary to try in this situation to separate the anger from the spouse, who also needs support and shoulder.

When the grieving pair has other children, the meaning of life is automatically. Not anywhere - the younger family members are demanding attention and care, and the parents of Will-Neils are involved in the life cycle that does not give them to get into themselves. But if the deceased child was the only one, then often spouses make a decision in the shortest possible time to give birth to another kid. And it is very important here that this happens after all the stages of the "grief" are passed - so that the child be on the light is desirable and beloved, and not just as an attempt to despair, as a replacement for still tea. It will be difficult for him to live his own life if he is loaded in advance by the unjustified expectations of the parents.

A dangerous moment can be the so-called "jam" on one of the stages of accommodation grief. In this case, the regular phases of loss of loss cease to replace each other naturally, stopping at one of them. For example, in the house can be kept in an inviolable view of the room and the things of the deceased baby. Parents seem to deny the death fact itself. They are not ready to "let go of the child, and as if all the time they are waiting for his return. There is a denying the very fact of death. In this case, the grief process does not even begin.

According to the clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst expert Damian SinaiThe loss of the child is a very serious test. In his practice there was a case when the father of a child who had intensive care was talking to death. "Take me, and leave the child alive," the man asked.

"Time stops, life stops, and all 24 hours hurt. You need to take this pain, what it is - in all its bleeding and noticeability. Do not run away from it, do not feel guilty, shame, despair. If you need to cry - cry, If you need to scream - shout. You do not need to restrain yourself. This is the pain you need to pour out, "the specialist believes.

The psychologist recalled that annually in the world of corporations are losses worth more than 200 billion dollars due to people who survived the mountain. "Such workers have been reduced concentration, there is no motivation to success. Employers should take this into account and, perhaps, in such a period of vacation. This is beneficial, and helps observe morality," the expert added.

It happens that in the family there are prohibitions on the manifestation of emotions. Relatives, under the fear of their own death or from confusion at the sight of the parents killed by grief, begin to give a woman who lost the child, banal and tactless advice, for example: "Homes", "be strong", "not revived", "life continues", "other You will give birth to what your years! "," In times of war, the children also lost and nothing, survived, "God gave, God took!". And it happens that the unfortunate mother is directly accused of the death of his own child: "Why didn't you sense?," How could you? "

In the case when friends or relatives tell formal things, or do not want to dive into other people's experiences, you can reconsider relationships and stop unpleasant communication so as not to experience extra pain, advises Damian Sinaisai. "Do not blame yourself that you did not follow. At the first stage of living, grief must be honest in front of them. Give the will feelings - cry, hug, climb, help each other to express feelings. Speak, discuss, remember - Speech is painful," the psychologist is convinced .

All psychologists converge in one opinion: for surviving loss, it is extremely important not to close in misfortune. It is necessary to understand what is happening. A person needs to be aware of and get the right to recognize his experiences and on his grief, take his loss. Well, when there is an opportunity to seek advice to the one who trust to pour out the soul, speak out and be heard. And of course, it is extremely important to help the killed grief parents find new meanings to live on.

Write, call, suggest help. Feel free - "pull" for threads, involve in some joint events. A person who survived the child's loss can be closed in himself - take it out of this state.

And it is not necessary to spend together all the time. It will be enough to help "in short distances", but it is extremely important that it will certainly be in the first, the most acute stage of grief, and especially if they are asked about her. Take on the concerns on the organization of funerals, communication with the employees of the morgue or cemetery and so on.

Speak, remember. According to psychologists, a multiple repetition of a story about the happening tragedy helps to survive Mount. It is not by chance that this technique is applied in working with post-traumatic stress disorder in people who survived after terrorist attacks, disaster or natural disasters, as well as participants in hostilities. However, ask and talk about what happened only if the lost child himself wants to remember the grief.

Go all the way

"It is very important to be with loved ones and with those with whom we can say, - emphasizes the psychologist, a member of the European Federation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Ksenia Kasparov. - The most important thing is that a person shall be shared by his feelings to speak, he remembered everything to the smallest details. This is normal. This is the work of grief, which must be necessary. "

The death of a child is always unnatural. Like any loss, survive is very hard. The surviving loss must understand: everything that he feels - and pain, and despair, and anger is normal. It is important to remember that the grief process consists of several stages and takes quite a long time. Such a serious wound can not heal in one day.

According to Ksenia Kasparova, Parents who lost the child, are in the state of physical shock. At this stage, they may have such phenomena as a feeling of coma in the throat, a sharp pain in his chest, insomnia, a loss of appetite. According to experts, such physical phenomena is quite natural and in some sense help the psyche to cope with the loss. In fact, at first, the man is experiencing a body with a body "body."

During stress, adrenaline is distinguished, which can lead to peripheral vessels spasm. A person may seem that he is frozen and his shiny, and the feeling of the inner trembling is added to this. In this case, a cup of hot tea cup and a warm plaid can help, but it will only bring temporary relief.

The strongest stress can lead to a regression. It becomes weak and helpless. Therefore, in this case, you can resort to "children's" methods of consolation. For someone will be useful to sit in silence. Someone is important to embrace and swam together. Often help strokes on the back or head, as well as quiet, taucumber words of a loved one.

The next step is denial. For example, learning about the loss, a man shouts in horror - "No, no!". This is also a kind of psyche way to cope with the grief, not allowing information about what happened. Sometimes it happens that the head man understands: the trouble happened. But the heart can not accept it.

Next stage - anger. It can be directed to the outside world - on the doctors, on the driver who has become the culprit of an accident ... Sometimes such anger also refers to the deceased person - "threw", "left", "left." And sometimes this anger is aimed at yourself: a person has a sense of guilt, continuously scrolls in the head of various kinds of options, the thoughts are tormented - that he could do how he could prevent the tragedy. And these painful, terrible thoughts do not give rest.

The next grinding stage can be called "Bidding", or "Transaction". This means that a person promises the highest forces or friends that he will make something concrete if a miracle occurs and the child will come to life. This unconscious attempt to return hopelessly lost also helps the psyche to cope with stress.

The last stage is depression and adoption when the loss is coming. It is believed that all these stages a person is experiencing throughout the year. "If the grief was not pathological, complicated, then its sharp period usually lasts from five to nine months, and the entire grief process takes at least a year," says Ksenia Kasparov.

There is a way - work grief, - and he must be surely passed. Unfortunately, it is impossible to go around, nor zone. And even if you turn off this way, you still have to go back and live it to "burnt up".

Further everything is individually. Sometimes a person decides to do something in memory of the deceased child. For example, write poems to publish a photo album, mount the film. It happens that at this stage, the parents who survived the loss are organized by charitable funds in favor of orphaned children or homeless animals.

Caution, stress

There are dangerous symptoms at which it is extremely important to refer to specialists for drug therapy or psychological help. This applies primarily suicidal thoughts when a man experienced by Mount says that he does not want to live or even takes attempts to commit life.

This is primarily depression, accompanied by a sharp weight loss - more than five kilograms for one or two weeks; sleep disorders; The detached state when a person does not respond to what is happening or repetitions. Anxious signal is inadequate behavior - for example, hysterical laughter, conversations about the child, as alive, obsessive thoughts or underlined calm indifference.