Why did my beloved husband become a stranger? What to do if a gap suddenly appears between spouses and it seems that love has gone away?

Women of any age tend to idealize their future husband during dating, and during the first time after marriage registration too. It seems that there is no better and dearer person in the world. A woman in love can mentally turn even the obvious shortcomings of her betrothed into advantages.

With a sinking heart, a loving wife looks at her sleeping husband, lovingly prepares him a delicious dinner, sees him off to work and eagerly awaits him at home.

But sometimes such affection, for seemingly incomprehensible reasons, disappears somewhere, and the once beloved person begins to irritate. What actually happens if you feel that your husband has become a stranger?

If you and your husband have become strangers

First of all, it is worth noting that it is quite natural to have insight into some unattractive traits in your spouse. Especially in cases where young people begin to live together after the candy-flower period. The girl sees her chosen one both tired and angry, irritated, because she spends most of her free time next to him. So it is quite logical for the scales to fall from our eyes in the first months and years of living together. But what to do if your husband suddenly becomes a stranger? What if, for no apparent reason, a loved one began to cause unpleasant feelings? What is the reason for such a dramatic change - from love to hostility and alienation?

Why did my husband suddenly become a stranger?

The reason for the change in attitude towards the husband is the departure of the feeling of love, which psychologists call limerence. When we are suddenly struck by a feeling of attachment to a certain person, we are not able to objectively evaluate the chosen one. We attribute to him even those (often ideal) traits that never existed. So, for example, some women do not seem to see the shortcomings of their spouses and are offended if they suddenly hear unflattering reviews about them. What is especially surprising is in cases where these highly praised men are clearly not ideal: they like to drink, are capable of leaving their family without a livelihood due to frequent binge drinking, and are inattentive to their wives. But in the eyes of loving wives they are the very best.

But nothing lasts forever, including the feeling of falling in love itself. And sometimes even a completely prosperous spouse can cause a feeling of irritation.

What must happen for a husband to become a stranger?

Actually, nothing special, love just goes away, and in its place there is no real sincere love, affection, friendship, or a feeling of kinship.

The woman, as if waking up from a dream, begins to notice something about her chosen one that, in her opinion, was not there before. She does not want to accept her husband with all the advantages and completely natural shortcomings. For example, in the first months after the wedding, the husband’s early rise and noise in the kitchen did not cause any negative emotions. And now there is only one desire - to express everything that is boiling. And then a single remark regarding the kitchen noise suddenly turns into a stream of abuse, all the sins, all the mistakes of the spouse are remembered. And sometimes women do not limit themselves to sorting out the relationship with their chosen one; on the contrary, they try to involve parents, girlfriends, and colleagues in the showdown. So that everyone around would know that for some reason the husband had become a stranger and became unbearable.

However, sometimes representatives of the fair sex tend to keep silent about their inner trouble when their loved one has become a stranger. Thus, a woman often disappointed in her chosen one bitterly notices first one or another unpleasant character trait or habit of her husband.

  • She begins to get angry at his jokes, although she previously laughed until she cried.
  • My husband's attempts to save seem like greed.
  • His communication with friends is regarded as idleness, shirking from homework.

What's happening? If you listen to women, the answer will be something like this: “My husband and I have become strangers because he has changed a lot lately.” But is this really so?

Mistakes of female thinking

As we found out, the departure of love can sober up your view of your partner. And then you should accept that a person of the opposite sex has its disadvantages. It remains no less beloved, but can now be assessed critically in some situations. But sometimes the so-called black and white thinking comes into play, when we, people, are not able to put up with the shortcomings of our chosen ones.

Why, during meetings and dates, and even in the first year of marriage, my husband was so desirable, my heart beat every time I thought about him. And now, instead of an almost ideal spouse, a person who is quite unpleasant in many matters has appeared.

He doesn’t earn enough or dresses awkwardly, doesn’t know how to behave in society, reads little, can’t hold a conversation, and the like.

Real reasons for spouses to grow apart

In fact, the problem does not lie in the man’s true changes. Rather, the fault is that same two-color black and white thinking, when the chosen one can be considered only as good or only as exceptionally bad. In this case, no weaknesses are acceptable, and in some cases, weaknesses are even sucked out of thin air.

That is, the fact that a loved one has become a stranger is often to blame for women’s thinking according to the “either-or” principle (the chosen one is either ideal or disgusting).

All arguments regarding weaknesses that are permissible for a person in this case are smashed against the wall of female indignation (“my husband and I have become strangers,” “he is not at all the person I need”).

Against the background of incorrect and unfair black-and-white thinking, when with the passing of love all the disadvantages of the spouse are revealed in an unfavorable light, cognitive dissonance develops. That is, extreme psychological discomfort from having to live with an imperfect partner, accept his shortcomings and forgive them. A woman, feeling that her beloved has become a stranger, brings herself to real neurosis. She makes excessive demands on her husband, which he is unable to fulfill.

Moreover, an extremely irritated spouse over time begins to blame herself for the imperfection of her chosen one (“I should have seen from the very beginning what kind of person he is,” “I chose the wrong man as my husband, which means I’m a loser,” etc.). And then everything is no longer a joy.

How to regain affection for your beloved husband

If a loved one has become a stranger, this does not mean that it is not worth fighting to preserve the marriage and warm relationships in the family. You just need to do a little work on yourself to look at your spouse from a different angle. So, what to do to reconcile with your husband’s shortcomings, imaginary and real?

  1. Explore the nuances of falling in love.

    This fragile feeling is not allowed to last forever. It either develops into strong love, marital affection, or it cools down, and sometimes leads to indifference. So it’s not your spouse’s fault that he previously seemed like an ideal prince to you. More likely, you yourself simply did not want or could not see his negative traits.

  2. Don't take your crush's passing as the end of the world.

    It is only a stage in the development of relationships, a path that can lead to true love. But you can love a person despite their shortcomings. Think about it, there are couples who have spent decades with each other, but have retained sincere and strong feelings. But it’s stupid to think that after 40-50 years of marriage, wives do not know about the shortcomings of their husbands. They just learned to accept their negative qualities and quirks.

  3. Look at yourself critically.

    Let's say you blame your spouse for not being serious (he turns everything into a joke, lives one day at a time, does not strive to develop his career, etc.). But answer honestly, because you also have shortcomings? Do you think you would really be happy with the perfect person? After all, his demands on you would be very serious. So maybe it’s for the best that ideal people don’t exist?

  4. Stop torturing yourself.

    You chose your spouse because you wanted to be with him always. So why be so dramatic, noticing all its disadvantages? Surely he is a great person who will always be there in case of trouble. And it is he who will sincerely rejoice at your success. Close your eyes to annoying little things. What to do, because if you want, you can find flaws in everyone.

  5. Don't be too categorical if your husband has become a stranger.

    Of course, it would be easier to distinguish only white and black. But usually only at too young an age do people develop maximalist judgments. And with age comes the understanding that everything is much more complicated. So, even an imperfect partner can be a reliable husband, faithful, loving, honest, even with his own cockroaches in his head. So if your husband has suddenly become a stranger, look deep into yourself and don’t at least deliberately look for his shortcomings.